It's Not Only Angels That Fall
by you-should-see-me-in-a-crown
Summary: Merthur angst. I can't quite remember what happens as I wrote this ages ago so read and find out. Oh yeah, T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

So I found this fic I wrote ages ago, figured I might as well upload it so yeah. Oh, and I don't own Merlin or any of the characters.

* * *

Merlin watched Arthur, it wasn't right, he didn't want to be in love with him. Maybe he was unjustly angry, maybe not. All they had shared was a drunken kiss that he was pretty sure Arthur didn't even remember. Arthur was seeing another guy anyway. So what would it matter? Lancelot would pick up the pieces of him and then they'd get married and live happily ever after, just without Merlin, and that was okay. Merlin had accepted a long time ago that he didn't have a shot with Arthur. Who said being in love was wonderful? Being in love hurt when the person you were in love with didn't love you back.

Merlin stood up and slipped away from the party where Arthur was making out with Lancelot. Merlin hadn't drunk anything, he didn't want to. He blew on his fingertips and shoved them into the pockets of his hoodie. It was cold and as he walked he realised that he didn't blame Arthur; he couldn't help it as much as Merlin couldn't help but be in love with him. He shrugged slightly and zipped up his hoodie tightly with his numb fingers. He allowed his feet to carry him where they wanted to and found himself at a bridge. Merlin leant against it and watched the river far below. It was nice here, peaceful. He felt his phone buzz, he didn't know who it was from an he didn't care. He carefully balanced the phone on the ledge. He counted down the reasons why he should do this.

_1) No one would miss him, they'd be better off without him. _

_2) All he ever did was hurt people. _

_3) He couldn't see the point in living anymore. _

_4) He was so tired of everything._

_5) It would just be easier. _

_6) He deserved this. He was just too much of a coward. _

_7) It would stop the endless pain._

There wasn't time for a note but that couldn't be helped, it didn't matter anyway. It seemed almost like fate, no one would miss him; he didn't delude himself. Merlin took a deep breath and climbed up onto the ledge shakily. He closed his eyes and exhaled time before allowing himself to fall.

"Where's Merlin?" Arthur asked Gwen a while later. She shrugged, "He must have gotten tired and gone home," she said. Arthur frowned slightly, it wasn't like Merlin to disappear without telling anyone. Arthur left the party, rubbing his temples at the sudden quiet of it all. Arthur leaned against the wall and pulled out his mobile.

**Where r u? –A**

**Merlin, this isn't funny, pick up your phone. –A**

**Merlin, answer me. -A**

**Have I done something wrong? –A**

**Right, I'm going to assume you're asleep. –A**

**Goodnight Merlin. Sleep well. J –A **

In the morning Arthur woke up with a splitting headache. Well, he thought as he winced, he had drunk rather a lot. Maybe Merlin would have replied by now, he thought before picking up his phone. He frowned when he saw he had a new voicemail.

Arthur sat on his sofa with his head on his hands. He kept on expecting Merlin to blunder through his door, calling him names. But... Merlin wouldn't. Not ever again. He would never see Merlin again. Not Merlin's eyes, or his smile. He'd never see Merlin again. Arthur closed his eyes, he was in love with a dead man and was too blind to see it when the dead man was alive. No, he'd seen it, he'd just... denied it. He knew Merlin wouldn't love him back; after all, the most that had ever happened between them was a drunken kiss that Merlin probably hadn't remembered. No one had come and spoken to him, he hadn't let them. He'd locked the door from the inside and wedged a chair under the handle. He heard Lancelot calling to him and he pretended to be asleep. It wasn't that hard when no one could see you, you just stay quiet and hope they don't notice you. The police had said it was suicide but Arthur didn't want to believe that. No, he never wanted to believe anything.

In a while they got in. Arthur wasn't sure how long, or how many or how they got in. But they were there, trying to look after him, telling him to move, to get dressed, to shower. He did as they said, robotically.

In quite a few years, Lancelot and Arthur get married. They smile and they eat the wedding cake, they laugh and smile and they kiss. Arthur feels sad when he feels the absence of Merlin but it is okay. When someone dies you don't have the option to fall out of love with them, and the love doesn't shrink. It just gets put to the side, like an old jumper you forget you have or a photo album. You'll never get rid of it though, Arthur never did. He just fell in love with Lancelot and they smiled and kissed and get married.

A few years after that they will adopt a baby girl. This child will never know anything about Merlin until she finds a photograph between the pages a book of her father's that has a different name written on the inside cover with a handwriting she doesn't recognise. When she asks Arthur about it he will kiss the top of her head and ruffle her hair and tell her that it is no one who she will ever know. He still sees Merlin sometimes though, a leaf that Merlin would have marvelled at or an ice cream he would inevitably have gotten on his nose without realising. But it's okay because he's in love with Lancelot and he will have a daughter. It's okay because he will have a new family and a new life and he will be happy, he will just honour the memory of Merlin by raising a toast on his birthday in private, and in time, when he is an old man and he is sitting in his rocking chair, when Lancelot has died from cancer and his daughter has a family of her own, Arthur won't even remember the colour of Merlin's eyes and he will barely remember his name anymore. It has been a long time since he last remembered a drunken kiss but that's okay, because he will now have grandchildren who hug him and want to play. And one day he will be buried next to Lancelot in a cemetery while a grave stands to the side, and no one has weeded it in decades and it has almost been forgotten, in fact the only time it is remembered is when children walk along, running their fingers over the letters and reading the two words, _Merlin Emrys._

_Dear Arthur, _

_This is how it is going to go. You are going to fall in love with Lancelot and you are going to fall in love with him. And that'll be okay because you'll be happy. You are going to have a beautiful family and you are going to be happy. You won't remember a drunken kiss, or a young man named Merlin, and that's okay, because it will be better that way. I know you won't ever read this-it's in my head isn't it. A note that fell with me to my death, and that's okay, as long you're happy it's okay. _

_-Merlin Emrys_


	2. Alternative Ending

Merlin stood up and slipped away from the party where Arthur was making out with Lancelot. Merlin hadn't drunk anything, he didn't want to. He blew on his fingertips and shoved them into the pockets of his hoodie.

"Are you alright?" Merlin could have started as he heard the words.

"Arthur, I didn't see you there," he might have said quietly.

Arthur would have chuckled slightly, "Why are you out here? It's cold."

"I needed some air," Merlin would have replied, smiling a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"You don't look so good, do you want me to take you home?" Arthur would offer calmly.

"I can go by myself, I don't need you to look after me, Clotpole," Merlin would have punched Arthur playfully.

"Yeah well maybe I want to take you home," Arthur would then insist.

Merlin might have raised an eyebrow but he would have kept silent, allowing Arthur to walk him to his flat. "'Night, Arthur," Merlin would say on his doorstep, hopping from foot to foot. Arthur would then have pulled Merlin spontaneously into a kiss, and Merlin would have kissed him back, after asking about Lancelot, and Arthur would have said that he would break up with Lancelot in the morning, he promised. And maybe Merlin and Arthur would have gone inside and Arthur would have woken up next to Merlin, with less of a headache than he would have had and he'd smile, and Merlin would smile back.

A few years later, Merlin would have been walking and come to a bridge, and he would lean against it and he would think about his boyfriend and how much he loved him, and that this wasn't his fault, but no one could save Merlin, after all, Merlin never got the happy ending, and he might have left a note but he would have closed his eyes and let himself fall because

_1) No one would miss him, they'd be better off without him. _

_2) All he ever did was hurt people. _

_3) He couldn't see the point in living anymore. _

_4) He was so tired of everything._

_5) It would just be easier. _

_6) He deserved this. He was just too much of a coward. _

_7) It would stop the endless pain._

But this time he might have left a note. And Arthur might have run into Lancelot in the street one day and they'd smile awkwardly but get a coffee together as old friends. And then after quite a few years they'd fall in love and get married and kiss and smile and eat wedding cake, and Arthur would wish that Merlin was there but he'd accept that he couldn't be. And after a few years they'd adopt a baby boy, and they'd be happy. One day the boy would find a picture of a strange man between the pages of one of his father's book that had a different name written in the inside cover in a handwriting he doesn't recognise. When the boy would ask his father about it, his father would look sad but ruffle his heir before telling him that he is no one anymore, and that he needn't worry about it. He might still see Merlin sometimes though, a leaf that Merlin would have marvelled at or an ice cream he would inevitably have gotten on his nose without realising. But it's okay because he would be in love with Lancelot and he would have a son. It's okay because he would have a new family and a new life and he would be happy, he would just honour the memory of Merlin by raising a toast on his birthday in private, and in time, when he would be an old man and he would be sitting in his rocking chair, when Lancelot has died from cancer and his son has a family of his own, Arthur won't even remember the colour of Merlin's eyes and he will barely remember his name anymore. It has been a long time since he last remembered a drunken kiss and an even longer one since a crash of lips on a front doorstep but that would be okay, because he would now have grandchildren who hug him and want to play. And one day he would be buried next to Lancelot in a cemetery while a grave stands to the side, and no one has weeded it in decades and it has almost been forgotten, in fact the only time it would be remembered would be when children walk along, running their fingers over the letters and reading the two words, _Merlin Emrys._

_Dear Arthur, _

_I love you. But you couldn't save me, no one could. For me this is a release, for you, it is another future. You will meet someone one day and you will fall in love. You will get married and eat wedding cake, you might even have a family. Soon you won't remember me, or a crashing of lips on a front doorstep. You won't remember a drunk one or a young man named Merlin, and that's okay, because you'll be happy, and as long as you're happy, it's okay. _

_-Merlin Emrys_


End file.
